venerdì 22 settembre 2017


 After 19 weeks I'm back. It is not easy at all, mostly because a few hours after my last post post my life has changed forever. I got the most dreaded phone call from Italy telling me my mother had suddently and tragically passed away. We left in a rush on the first plane available to find out once in Italy that she has been sick with an unknown illness for months and she basically refused to fully investigate her condition, but she commanded everybody to let me out from all this. This has been so heart breaking for me, to be kept at distance. To add some more pain, while emptiying her apartement I found old love letters and finally I have been told by some family friends that those were my father's old letters to my mother. She told me he was dead before I was born. But he was alive and much interested in my life until I was around 20 ... I feel like my mind has been shaken in a blender and my soul has been drained to the last drop. I feel a sort of 'silence' in me, like if something is switched off and I can't find the way to get my inner self started again.
Anyways after her death we have traveled Europe for two more months trying to get back to some kind of 'normality' again, but it is not easy.
Now, beside my own family, husband and children, I'm alone. I've been lied for all my life by all those who saw me growing up. I've been kept at distance by my own mother, not worth of her last goodbye. I need to find out now, who I want to be from now on.
We came back in the north one week ago, just in time for Mabon season. I'm trying to find comfort in the nature, but even the outdoors can't really heal my soul. I hope this dark season will help letting me go of the grief, and blame and sadness to shine again when to solstice will come.

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